Coordination of positions between parents during marriage and after divorce
We are all more or less familiar with the phenomenon of children who ask their father for something, hear no, and turn to their mother in the hope of getting a different answer. When that same child turns to the other parent and gets the answer they hoped for, problems begin to arise. These problems arise mainly because there is no coordination between the parents, and they increase and intensify. In case of divorce And farewell.
Families in which there is no coordination of parenting positions regarding the methods of educating and raising children are prone to disaster in a variety of aspects, including: harm to the children and their scale of values, harm to the parents’ relationship, and the creation of a confusing and unsafe family environment.
It is interesting to see that before marriage and during the wedding ceremony, loving couples tend to make declarations related to their commitment to love and care for each other, such as the ketubah or marriage contracts. If it is a civil marriage And in some cases, they even make sure to arrange the finances in advance by Agreements Finance.
In the midst of falling in love, they forget to talk about an essential aspect of their relationship – their children and in particular how each of them sees fit to raise them. Then, when the little ones come into the world, the real problems begin and fights over the children become routine for too many couples.
A tense routine, in which all parties are hurt and which may create distance between the parents, which can also lead to disloyalty. And for betrayals.
In the review before you, I explain Editor Justice Sharon Segal The points mentioned above, in the hope that you too will understand the importance of coordinating positions between parents and will succeed in establishing a uniform “regime” at home.
One in which mother and father always coordinate in front of the children, even if behind the scenes there are heated arguments and disagreements, and even in cases of living separately, after the divorce.
Lack of coordination leads to harm to your children
The first reason why parental coordination is so important has to do with your children. There is no doubt that every parent wants the best for their children, but sometimes the desire to provide them with love, warmth, and security does not coincide with what happens in reality.
Parental coordination is important for the proper development of children, it helps instill values, boundaries, and discipline. As soon as the parents transmit a consistent tone, the child feels that he has a stable and safe back, that he has someone to rely on.
When there is no coordination between the parents, the children become manipulators, maneuvering between father and mother, not knowing how to take responsibility and tending to blame others for their actions. For example, “But mother told me it was allowed,” and so on.
At a young age, a lack of coordination between parents can create real frustration for the child, as what seems like fun at first – if I’m not allowed to do something with one party, I can turn to the other – quickly turns into hell.
A child who has no boundaries, and worse, a child who knows that his parents are unable to set boundaries for him because there is no coordination between them, will likely grow up to be an adult who lacks self-discipline. Sometimes this trait will also be characterized by spinelessness, indecisiveness, and other problematic traits.
Also, when parents are out of sync with each other and argue in front of the children about all sorts of nonsense, the relationship model from which the children draw inspiration is distorted.
Children see this negative example and later learn in adulthood to manage unstable relationships, in which positive and healthy communication is not a top priority.
Mom and Dad are not coordinated and you all lose!
Beyond the complexes you cause your children, your relationship is also not being positively affected by the lack of coordination of positions between you.
It is true that each partner came into the relationship with a different baggage, a different form of upbringing, different experiences that shaped them, and positions that are not necessarily identical (a rigid versus a liberal approach to upbringing), but we must find a middle ground, even if not absolutely.
You’re allowed to disagree on everything, and there’s no expectation that you’ll always think the same way, especially when it comes to raising your children. But if your children know that everything about them is a matter of disagreement, it will inevitably do more harm than good.
You can’t break each other’s word in front of the children, you can’t tease each other in their presence, and you absolutely can’t use them as a mediation or scolding tool during your fights.
Instead of each entrenching themselves in their own position, try to join forces, coordinate expectations, and speak from the heart. Communication is the secret to magic and will definitely help you behave better, with each other and, of course, with the children.
What do you do if parental coordination is not successful?
There are cases in which coordinating positions is unsuccessful, which causes an escalation in the relationship between the parents and creates great tension among all family members, to the point that because of the children, or rather because of the inability to agree on how to raise them, the couple considers separating and divorcing.
In such situations, we recommend that you take a deep breath and not rush to break things. There are many methods that can help you deal with this issue, and in any case, it is worth going to counseling and/or couples therapy.
If that doesn’t work either and your relationship just continues to deteriorate, you may need to realize that it’s time to separate and consider divorce.
We emphasize and say that even if the couple decides to separate, Coordination My parents are in the process of divorcing This is a very important issue. You know what – maybe even though you weren’t able to coordinate positions when you were married, now that you’re on the way out of the marriage, it will work out.
Read more on the topic: Coping with the first days after divorce
