Soften the blow: How to tell your children you’re getting divorced?
The decision on Divorce It is never easy, even if both partners want it and even if, in terms of relationships, the separation occurs peacefully.
When children are involved in the whole story, many questions arise and parents of small children are in no hurry to divorce, even if it takes a heavy emotional toll on them.
When a decision to separate has already been made by a couple who are parents, to the complexity that already exists for the couple, dilemmas related to the children are added, such as what will happen to them after we unpack the package, how will they cope with the separation, and the difficult and painful question – how will we tell them that we are getting divorced?
In the review before you, I bring Editor Justice Sharon Segal Explanations and tips that will help you soften the blow and inform your children about the divorce in a smart way, one that will leave them with as few scars as possible in the short and long term.
Don’t tell them until you’re sure about the divorce.
The first tip is not to talk to your children about the divorce until you are sure. If you are considering taking a break and seeing what happens next or if things are going well but you are still not sure you want to break up and separate, wait.
Don’t tell the children anything until you know for sure that the side in question is actually being implemented.
Children take their parents’ divorce seriously, and if the divorce doesn’t actually happen in the end, there’s no point in burdening them unnecessarily.
A joint conversation with both parents and all children
After a definitive decision has been made regarding the divorce, it is worth preparing for the conversation with the children beforehand and coordinating expectations regarding what to say, how to say it, and when.
It is recommended that the conversation be held with the entire family, meaning both parents and all the children together.
Try to come to the conversation calm and strong, and remember that at this stage you need to be strong for the children, not the other way around.
For the little ones, the blow you inflict on them hurts them at that moment no less than it does you, and therefore their pain should be treated with respect.
Answer all questions patiently and sensitively
After the astonishment, confusion, and crying, it is very likely that the children will have many questions.
When children feel uncertain, they tend to attack with questions such as – why are you getting divorced, who is to blame for your separation, are we allowed to tell, where will we live, where will mom live, where will dad live, what will happen to the dog, and so on.
It is very important to answer all their questions patiently, sensitively, and clearly. Vague answers will create confusion in the children that already exists, and uncertainty is a very difficult thing, both for adults and no less so for children.
The best interests of the children are important to both parents., always. Therefore, give your children the feeling that you are completely there for them, even when the time is not easy and stressful. Be patient, talk to them, ask questions and listen much more than usual.
A positive atmosphere and confidence that there will be a better future
The announcement of the dissolution of the family unit is a defining moment for your children, so it is very worthwhile to conduct the conversation in a pleasant atmosphere, using sentences that explain the situation in a positive and sympathetic way, such as – we are separating because it will be better for both us and you, Mom and Dad love you very much and the fact that you will now have two apartments is an advantage, and so on.
In the moments after the divorce announcement, feelings of fear, alienation, and anger will arise in the children, and your role as parents is, on the one hand, to provide insurance against all those negative emotions and, on the other hand, not to allow them to take over the children and drown them in black bile.
Promise them a better future, that it will now be calmer at home, and do everything to keep your word and fulfill it.
Talk to your children openly even after the divorce.
During the divorce process and of course after it, fundamental changes occur in the family unit, for the man and woman on a personal level, as well as for the children.
Pay attention to the changes that arise in the children, if they suddenly don’t invest in their studies, don’t want to meet with friends, don’t want to go home, talk a lot, are silent, and so on.
Try to talk to them openly even after the divorce and show understanding and forgiveness towards their strange behaviors. In any case, if you notice that something in the children has changed drastically, it is worth seeking the help of professionals, such as a child and/or family psychologist.
Open, honest, and patient dialogue before, during, and after the divorce will help the children and you deal with the news peacefully, as much as possible.
Read more: Tips for those getting divorced from attorney Sharon Segal
