Tips for parents who have decided to divorce
process Divorce It is tiring and painful for the couple and their children. It is a process accompanied by feelings of loss, disappointment, anger, guilt and a lot of fear for all family members.
Many parents are concerned about the long- and short-term consequences of the process on their children.
Although divorce is experienced as a crisis, children’s ability to adapt to the new reality increases the more attentive the parents are to the child’s needs and support them.
This parental role can be difficult to perform since the parents themselves are in distress. What do children experience during divorce and how can parents help them?
Dr. Ilan Tal, Psychiatrist Childcare specialist and center director Dr. Tal agreed to share with us the extensive knowledge he has gained over the years in which he has cared for children of divorced parents.
From his recommendations and experience, quite a few insights can be derived, which may Help you too get divorced properly And without unnecessary mistakes.
How do children experience divorce?
Children often do not feel the relief that comes with the end of divorce proceedings, even if the atmosphere at home exposed them to conflicts between their parents.
They lack the ability to look at the complex picture that led to the separation as an adult can, and also have a reduced sense of control than their parents, as they are passive in the process.
Divorce is an experience of loss, and children may interpret the separation as rejection or abandonment, and they may blame themselves. These thoughts stem from the developmental stage they are in.
Children have a natural tendency to think that they are the center of the world, especially in the early stages of development. The parent who chooses to divorce, or the parent who is forced to leave home, may be perceived by them as the parent who abandons them.
Children are unable to repair the failed relationship and can feel frustration, helplessness, and anxiety.
Each child will react differently to a breakup, depending on their age and natural temperament. Some children will express the difficulty directly through expressions of sadness, withdrawal, or anger.
Others will express their pain more indirectly through behavior: developmental regression is common in young children, during which they return to drinking from a bottle, wetting themselves, or have difficulty sleeping alone. Difficulties in the academic framework, social withdrawal, violent outbursts, and more can arise.
How can parents make it easier for their children?
Divorce is an emotionally charged process that causes a lot of anxiety among parents.
The emotional burden may disrupt normal vision and the separation between the child’s and the parent’s needs. What can parents do to make things easier for their children?
To share in the separation proceedings: It is important to involve children in the divorce process. Involving parents allows them to hear their children’s fears and allows them to adapt to their needs.
It is important to convey reassuring messages to them, that the separation is not theirs or their fault, that they will still have two parents, to reduce feelings of shame and fear of social criticism surrounding the issue, and to prepare them for the changes while instilling messages of hope and trust.
Separate the needs of the parents and the childThe emotional burden involved in the divorce process sometimes makes it difficult for parents to see the child’s needs as separate from their own.
While the love between the parents is over, the child still loves both parents and their needs are different and can sometimes conflict with the parents’ needs. It is important to avoid using the child as a messenger to convey messages between the parents, to recruit them for their own personal gain, or to prevent visitation arrangements that are very important to the child’s emotional well-being.
The emotional state of the parents: Children are dependent on their family. A parent who feels depressed and has difficulty functioning will not be available to their children, who may become parental children who constantly worry about the well-being of the dysfunctional parent. Parents who manage to cope well with the divorce crisis will be more available to their children, and if there is great difficulty in coping, it is important to receive support and professional help to accompany them through the process.
The level of conflict between parentsThere is a research consensus that children’s coping with divorce depends on the degree of conflict between the parents.
Entering into legal proceedings increases the intensity of the conflict and slows down the process of acceptance and preparation for Chapter 2 in life, as the legal process takes a long time. High-intensity conflict increases anxiety levels for all family members.
The longer the process, the greater the children’s distress, which often reflects the distress of their parents..
Continuity of contact with both parentsChildren need both parents in order to develop emotionally properly.
This has both short-term and long-term effects, particularly on the ability to develop positive social relationships. It is important that both parents are accessible to the child so that they can provide the support they need. The involvement of the non-custodial parent in the child’s life, including consistent and frequent visits, is important.
It is important that both parents are aware of this, and that the custodial parent take measures to prevent the development of parental alienation in the child – a situation in which one parent tends to (unintentionally) incite the child towards the other parent, when the child in response refuses to have contact with the alienated parent.
Increasing cooperation between parents: The shared parental obligation continues even after the divorce. You should work on joint communication regarding the children despite differences of opinion, and seek the help of professionals if this is difficult to do.
Sharing information between parents about raising their children reduces suspicion between them, makes it easier to make visitation arrangements, and prevents the child from having a conflict of loyalties.
Maintaining stabilityDivorce leads to changes that children experience, such as a disruption of the existing order and a loss of security. This increases their anxieties about moving, changing educational settings, and more.
It is recommended to maintain a sense of stability by maintaining a daily routine, and to try as much as possible to maintain the living environment and educational framework in which the child is located.
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